Okay. That went well overall.

Sep. 22nd, 2017 04:12 pm
avivasedai: (shofar)
[personal profile] avivasedai
Second day went and felt so much better than 1st day of Rosh Hashana this year. A long recap. )

Now it's 5 PM on Friday night, erev shabbat. Benito is at the end of his nap - starting to wake up - and the holiday is going to transition to the next holiday. It's time for unease of the soul, thinking about repentance, forgiveness, our relationships with others and with God. First, though, Rick and I are going to be with our friend who lost her mother last year today, and I'm going to think about what to do for Hebrew school on Sunday. I should do more arts and crafts with the 2nd graders, make things concrete for them. Yom Kippur cards - "I'm sorry for X. Next year, I'll try Y." Something on that idea?

This can be a good weekend.

Shana tova...

Sep. 20th, 2017 05:07 pm
avivasedai: (shofar)
[personal profile] avivasedai
It's erev Rosh Hashana (h optional). I called Ilan, who is in Kansas with Tahl and the girls, and also our parents. He's leading services and only feels slightly nervous, but knowing that the synagogue doesn't expect him to be a cantor like Tahl has calmed a lot of his nerves. I hope he does well enough to be happy with himself - we are our own worst critics. I hope Mom and Abba aren't super-critical of him.

The plan for neilah after I gave it back involved asking a group of women to lead it, as the rest of the Yom Kippur services are being led by men. I got another email asking if I would be comfortable leading part of it, and after waffling AGAIN I said no, again. Person #2 might not have known that I gave it back in the first place, and/but honestly, this is about my stress level. I know there are 8 usable days between RH and YK, but the same things apply: I work, I family, I chores, I stress. NNNOOOOOOOO.

It's erev Rosh Hashana. I asked my mother-in-law if she would stay for dinner with us and she said yes - it's Grandma Day, the day she picks up Benito from daycare and hangs out with him until I get home. However, I came home and she shortly said "okay, I'm going." I said "You don't want to stay for dinner?" and she gave a look of discomfort. I said "Oh, you're tired and need to go home. Okay. Have a good night," and gave her a hug and a kiss. I had gotten home a little early, the better to prepare food for tonight (and clean whatever needed cleaning in the kitchen) and tomorrow, and I was looking forward to having her with me, even if she was sitting on the couch while I was doing kitchen stuff. I was also looking forward to feeding her, to feeling like the meal was festive b/c I was sharing it.

I made really good mushroom soup in the crockpot, using a mushroom and sea asparagus rub I bought at a farmer's market this summer that told me it could also make a tasty broth. I should get some bullion that isn't chicken: mushroom, onion, and/or beef. It's a relatively simple soup, just mushrooms, onion and carrot, and it's very pleasing. I did manage to put together an apple kugel this evening; it's in the oven and should be done soon. Benito and I have eaten some; I'd like us to have bath-time, and then when Dad is home we can all eat together. I can light the holiday candles, break into the round challah and feel slightly better. *sigh*

I gave it back.

Sep. 16th, 2017 12:07 am
avivasedai: (shofar)
[personal profile] avivasedai
I couldn't do it. I could not devote the time I knew it would take to do a good job on the ne'ilah service, and I gave it back. I definitely feel like I am letting the rabbi down, and I have added a burden back to him that he had not thought he'd get, and perhaps I've burdened the Ritual Committee, which is to say Ian, in helping the rabbi find someone else to lead it (if that's what will happen instead of the rabbi taking it on).

On the other hand, he is the rabbi. I expect a rabbi to be able to lead services. He did what he needed to do - found someone to help him lead - so I guess in that regard he did his job, too. Crap, my other hand turned into the first hand. Dammit!

I was getting so anxious, I would practice for an hour, and then 30 minutes later I'd get the tune wrong again. I can read the Hebrew, I can even read it out loud, but I kept going over the same parts again and again and not progressing. The example audio clips I was given weren't covering what I felt needed covering.

This is not how I need to learn new services. The last time I learned new services was my bat mitzvah, and in that instance, I had been *attending* those services for years. I already had the tunes in my head, I just had to be the one to start them, and to pronounce the Hebrew flawlessly. In this case, I was being asked to learn on my own a service that not only only happens once a year, but that I hadn't attended in full for at least 4 years, and even before that I've heard it once a year, sung by different people, not reading along deeply in the Hebrew because I wanted to read the English and understand the prayers as well as perhaps sing them.

To learn this service for next year, if I want to do that, if I'm asked to do that, I seriously want to sit down (or stand, whatever) with a cantor or rabbi who can sing it, and go through the whole thing. First, go through it all, make notes in the machzor, then break it down into its parts.

I don't know if I could honestly pull it off if I kept it, and that's why I gave it back. I refuse to say "Okay, I'll read the Hebrew, but I'm not doing the right melodies." I don't work that way. There's a certain amount of coasting I find acceptable in a weekly service, but for this, one of the most important bits of praying Jews do in a year, one that some people find incredibly important and significant, no. Sure, I have neshama - spirit, and intent, and perhaps even reverence, and the congregation would be able to pick up on that, but I would not have the confidence. Just no.

No.

Having finally made that decision and committed to not committing, I am literally breathing more easily. Now I feel like I can worry about all the other things in life and still breathe.

[work] "Okay. Where are we?"

Sep. 14th, 2017 09:16 am
mangosteen: (Default)
[personal profile] mangosteen
Things I say non-ironically: “I’m used to occupying a weird spot in the corporate realpolitik orgchart… the big open spot in right-center field where the outfielders aren’t because someone read the play wrong.”

More on that later, but I wanted to get the thought out.

Feeling a little better.

Sep. 11th, 2017 09:00 am
avivasedai: (Default)
[personal profile] avivasedai
I took it easy last night, worked on the photo album, made an easy dinner, took an Advil for body ache/cramps and general malaise, and that seems to have worked pretty well for the physical weariness. I felt better while Benito and I were outside, he on his trike and me running behind. He's getting quite good at it. It might be time to start looking around for the next size up - a small bike with training wheels, perhaps?

I have a dr's appt today. No pelvic exam will be done, but she'll test my iron level and perhaps also my thyroid - iron would be affected by Aunt Flo but at least one test will be reliable. I also want to ask her for a recommendation for an allergist. This quasi-random excema to varying degrees is really tireseome.

I'm sorry. (also, I am tired.)

Sep. 10th, 2017 04:05 pm
avivasedai: (Default)
[personal profile] avivasedai
I'm sorry I didn't go to the apple picking today with the Jewish community at large. It's true that Benito was not into it, but honestly, I am the parent, and if I had planned for it to happen, it is much more likely that it would have happened. I did not plan for us to attend. The rabbi called me at 3, when we were in our driveway, Benito asleep in his seat. He asked if I was going, and if I was, if he could call on me to help him with the shofar blowing. He admits he is not good at it, and I am. It is true that if Benito had been willing to go, we would've gone, but having gotten out of the car, I no longer had the energy to get him back into the car and go. I wasn't up to convincing him, or taking him against his will. I am the parent and I get to say what goes sometimes, I know that, but the fuller truth is that I've used up all my energy. The stress I've been feeling since... Friday, maybe even Thursday, has been used up.

I've had my first day of Hebrew school, with 3 in K, 2 in grade 1, and 7 in grade 2. It's a large group to try and keep focused. There are ~3 shy/quiet kids, 3-4 who are more interruptive, 2-3 who can be egged on to excess energy, and the rest are what I would call normally talkative. There was good participation, a number of tangents, and I think a good time was had by all.

My energy is just all used up. I would have liked to go to the thing, and it was almost enough that the rabbi called me - even though I know there are other people who can play a shofar. I'm saving up the energy for later, later tonight, when I have to make dinner and think about dinner for the rest of the week, and do the next large task (either more studying for neilah or more progress on the Spain photobook). Now, I need a freakin' nap, but Benito wants to play with me, and will play by himself for a while and then come back and tug on my arm again.

I was also asked if Benito was going to be part of the pre-K Hebrew school group (I hesitate to say class), who are meeting twice monthly instead of every week. I said "Nope, not this year." If this endeavor repeats next year I will more strongly consider adding him to it. This year, not only did I not have the strength to ask Rick if he would be okay with it but I also didn't think I'd be able to handle getting him ready on Sunday mornings as well as my own self for teaching. Maybe I'm wrong and I could handle it, but again, I am too stressed right now to deal with it.

I must be doing something wrong. I do not want to be carrying this much stress. On the other hand, just because I don't see other parents exhibiting the kind of stress I am feeling doesn't mean it isn't there. It sure is. I am not doing something wrong, I am doing things right, I'm just doing a lot of things, at the same time, and I haven't gotten the knack of ... well, a lot of things, I suppose. After the fact, I wanted to respond to the rabbi when he told the kids "I'm not good at shofar blowing" with "I am, but the rabbi is good at lots of things that I'm not."

Enough writing. Time for playing.
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